


Philophobia - Phan

by fandomworshipper



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Dan Howell Is Not A Youtuber, Depressed Dan Howell, Eventual Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Fear, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Gay Dan Howell, Gay Phil Lester, Homosexuality, Hurt Dan Howell, Love, M/M, Parent Death, Phanfiction, Phil Lester Is Not A YouTuber, Philophobia, Phobias, Social Anxiety, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-11-08 23:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11092038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomworshipper/pseuds/fandomworshipper
Summary: PhilophobiaNoun (uncountable)• The fear of falling in love or emotional attachment.Dan is philophobic. He avoids conversation, friendship and, most of all, love. Just the word strikes fear in his gut. Just the idea of getting too deeply attached to someone and he's shying away into the shadows.But then, one day, someone knocks on his apartment door.The same someone who was destined to change his life forever.Phil.(**DISCLAIMER** this isn't a 'safe' phanfiction, no it won't have smut (sorry) but it will have some self harm and references to suicide. So if you don't want to read that, I would avoid this one. Sorry mate!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, none of this is true. This is purely for the purpose of a good storyline, I don't wish to delve into the personal lives of Dan, Phil or anyone around them, and I believe that shipping Phan is okai as long as we do it lowkey and don't shove it in their faces, like 'DAN PHIL KISS OMG PLEASE AND LET ME TAKE A PICTURE OF IT'. Cause, yah know, that's wrong, so this isn't gonna be like that, I'm not gonna pretend it's true. But anyway, onward!
> 
> (**DISCLAIMER** this isn't a 'safe' phanfiction. No, it won't have smut (sorry) but it will have some self harm and references to suicide. So if you don't want to read that, I would avoid this one. Sorry!)

 

\--Dan's P.O.V--

I guess you could could say my mum was anuptaphobic.

Anuptaphobia is the fear of staying single.

And hell, did she hate being single.

When I was 12, she and Dad started fighting. Like, really bad. At first, it was just the screaming, and I could deal with it.

But then they started hurting each other. And themselves.

 

_'Mum? Mum!' I yelled, subconsciously twirling my fringe with my fingers, 'MUM!' My mind flooded with worry as I leapt up the stairs, two at a time. 'MUM!?'_

_I ran into my room, grabbing my phone. Oh, where was she now? 'Mum... Where are you...' I muttered as I flicked through my contacts. I tapped_ Mum _and hit call._

_Ring. Ring._

_Ring. Ring._

_Ring. Ring._

_Ring. Ring._

_'Hi! You've reached Em-' I sighed and ended the call. Just to be sure, I called one more time._

_When it reached the voicemail again, I let it talk._

_'Hi! You've reached Emma How-' a sigh emitted from the device, and I froze. 'Emma Sullivan. Leave me a message! Bye!'_

_What?_

_WHAT?!_

_I ran downstairs and grabbed my coat. What the hell was going on?! Why did she say Sullivan!? Why not Howell!?  Sullivan was her surname before she married Dad!_

_I ran out onto the grass, looking left and right. Seeing nothing that could help me, I took a deep breath and knocked at Pj's house. Pj opened the door, and, upon seeing me, asked, 'Dan, what's up?' Pj and Chris were my only friends and I trusted them more than anyone._

_'Have you seen my mum? Sh-she's gone again, Pj,' I sobbed. Pj wrapped his arms around me._

_'Don't worry, we'll find her,' he soothed, before breaking away and yelling, 'MUM! I'M GOING OUT!' up the stairs._

_There was a muffled 'Okai' before Pj and I ran across the street, slamming the door shut in our haste._

_We hammered on Chris's door and he came out, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Well, it was only 9 o'clock in the morning. Pj and I blurted out gibberish, trying to convey that my mum was missing again with the occasional, 'Mum!' and 'gone!'. He somehow got the message and grabbed his coat before running out of the house, shouting a 'Tell Mum I'm out!' to his brother._

_Together, we sprinted up the street, scanning our eyes over every corner of the neighbourhood._

_We kept running and running, until suddenly, we all turned and saw her, curled up outside Tesco's, shivering._

_'Mum!!' I yelled, and she looked up, her mouth curling into a smile that told me she was hurt, but relieved to see me. I rushed over and almost ripped my coat pulling it off. I wrapped it around her, and in that moment, she burst into tears._

_'Emma!' Pj and Chris chorused. They had been my friend for so long Mum was like a second mother to them, as were theirs to me. She laughed sadly through her tears, looking up at us._

_'What happened?' I tried to say, but all that came out was a strained whisper. We were huddled around her, shielding her from the whipping British-winter wind._

_'I- he- Dad-' she choked, 'Dad- Simon- he... he hurt me again, so-' she sobbed again, 'so I left him.'_

_I felt a pang of despair rip through my heart and I sank into my shoulders. Tears forced their way out of my eyes, soaking my face and soothing the burning confliction in my soul._

_Dad. My dad. Hurt my mum. No._

_NO._

_'B-but Dan! Don't worry! I-I found someone else!'_

_WHAT!!??_

 

I buried my face in my hands, anger welling in my heart at the memory. 

After that, my mum had flicked between boyfriend after boyfriend, but never being the dumper, always the dumpee. Every time, she'd find someone new within a week.

Whenever she was without someone, she'd be skittish and once I even found a razor in her draw.

It was hard, watching her fade away before my eyes. She was getting paler and sick more often, and her mental state was obviously unstable. But I didn't say anything, I never did.

I still haven't.

But when I was eighteen, I found her lifeless body in her room, blood running from her neck, calves and wrists, seeping into the beige sheets.

And, that day, after seeing what it did to her, I swore to never love again.

I cut my ties to my friends and moved as far away as I could afford: London.

From there, I've got an apartment here.

I barely go outside, which is good, because what if someone tries to talk to me? I don't want friends.

It might lead to feelings.

And if I'm honest, feeling scare me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n Hoi! So yeh! I don't know much about philophobia, but I researched it a SHIT TON, and I think all this is true, regarding the way to overcome it or help others overcome it and the no friends thing. And also, atelophobia is actually what I said it was, and is a medical disorder, and anuptaphobia is the fear of staying single, which is what Dan's mum had in this story. Okai, thank's for reading! Adios! ~ Author-chan

I sank comfortably into my sofa-crease, grabbing my laptop and opening google and searching:

_Youtube_

I found a fall out boy song I hadn't heard yet and would let it auto-play after that. I then opened wikipedia.

Look, okai, it's not like I do this all the time I just like knowing stuff.

Well, I _do_ do this all the time, but... ack! That's not my point.

\----

I spent countless hours clicking hyperlinks on wikipedia articles, to new articles. It always seemed to come back to a new phobia I hadn't heard of yet. I loved knowledge and phobias are just knowledge.

Plus, now I read this kind of stuff I know I'm philophobic.

'You and me are the difference between real love and the love on TV...' I muttered, along to 'Where did the party go' by Fall Out Boy. Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door. 

Probably the postman or something, I don't have any friends. All good though, I don't want any.

I got up and shuffled over to the door. My head was filled with thoughts of automatronophobia, the fear of anything that falsely represents a sentient being. So, like ventriloquist's dummies, wax figures, animatronics, etc, etc.

Chris had hated Madam Tussauds, maybe he was automatronophobic...

I shook the thought of Chris out of my head. He was not my friend.

He was NOT my friend.

I don't have friends, they lead to pain.

Mum and Dad had been friends before-

_Knock, knock._

Oh, shit, right, I was getting the door.

I opened it and instead of the familiar blue jacket, I was greeted by an obnoxiously purple t-shirt.

I looked up, and saw two piercing blue eyes.

Jesus Christ, who's this?

'Hi!' he waved at me. I shrank backwards. Look, I don't hate people. People are pretty **(A/n Soft and)** neat actually, they got men on the moon, cured diseases, etc, etc. What I hate are friends. So, when a guy with a matching fringe to you and baby-blue eyes turns up at your door looking all friendly and bouncy, anyone like me would freak. But, so far he hadn't made any advances to try to be friends, so I gave him a chance.

'H-hi.'

'Shy, huh?' he giggled. I shivered. Was that the phobia? I... I'd never shivered because of it before... 'Hello?'

'Huh? O-oh, hi.'

'I'm Phil, I just moved across the hall! What's your name?'

This was getting uncomfortable... 'Dan.'

'Hmm... I like it! Dan, like Daniel?' I nodded awkwardly. 'Well, Dan, I hope we can be friends.'

_Friends._

The word reverberated around my head, every time it hit the side another shot of fear was let loose in my stomach.

Unable to control myself, I started shaking, wanting to just run back into my sofa crease and go back on wikipedia like normal, not having to talk to someone who had an interest in being friends...

'Dan? HelloOo?' Phil joked, but instead of laughing like I would have 2 years ago, I burst into tears.

Like, actual, streaming, salty, I'm-all-up-in-your-mouth tears. Simultaneously embarrassed and terrified beyond words, I slammed the door and ran back to my sofa crease. I heard an, 'Ooookai then.' I just cried harder, grabbing a cushion and burying my face in it. I let out a scream, long and pure, even if it was muffled. 

_Knock, knock._

I froze.

Again?

_AGAIN?!_

I shakily stood up and went back to the door.

I took 5 long, deep breaths before opening the door to...

Phil.

Again.

AGAIN.

'Hi, um, I'm sorry if I offended you or something, I just...' he trailed off, watching me back against the wall behind me. I started shaking again. 'Dan, what's up?' 

Another tear rolled down my cheek.

'Hey, have this,' he held out a bag of crisps, 'I brought 'em over for you. I swear, I'm not mean! I-I didn't mean to make you cry, I just- I-'

'I-it's okai,' I spluttered, 'I-I just don't want fr...' I hadn't said this word out loud since... 'friends.'

'Oh, why not? They're great! I actually moved with two of my best friends! We moved here yesterday. Come meet them! Their names are Chris and Pj.'

For a moment, all was still. I was quiet, not shaking, completely still. And Phil, he was stood, still holding out the bag of crisps, silently apprehensive.

And then I slammed the door again and collapsed, sobs wracking my body.

Sure, there was more than one Chris in England, and there was more than one Pj too. But what were the chances that there was another Chris _and_ Pj? Let alone, a pair of people who would move in with someone who wears Gengar t-shirts and Nintendo shoes? Their's only one pair of them, and they were my friends.

_Were._

\--Phil's P.O.V.--

Feeling dejected, I walked away from the door, opening the crisps.

What had I done? Had I offended him? What happened?

I bit my lip and unlocked our apartment door.

'Hey Phil!' Pj smiled.

'So, who's the new neighbour?' Chris said excitedly, 'Are they nice?'

'I... I'm not sure...' I said, looking down.

'Whadda you mean?' Pj looked up quizzically.

'Well... His name's Dan and-'

'WHAT!?' Chris and Pj yelled. They then turned to each other.

'Th-there's more than one Dan in the world, but-'

'But what if-'

'Yeah!'

'Oh my god!' 

They were nearly crying, holding onto each other, taking in shaky breaths.

'PHIL!' Chris jerked his head around, 'What did he look like? Full description!' They both ran up to me, staring at me, waiting intently for an answer.

'W-well, he... he had brown hair-' they inhaled sharply, 'with a fringe like mine, and... he was... wearing black?'

'What colour eyes?!' Pj almost screeched.

'U-UH... BROWN!' I squeaked.

'OH MY GOD!' Both Pj and Chris started crying, hugging me tightly. 

'It's Dan! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod,' Chris whispered frantically.

Suddenly, they pulled away. Confused, I opened my mouth to ask what they were talking about, but they ran out of the apartment.

'GUYS WAIT!' I yelled, running after them across the hall.

When no-one answered their knock and they heard sobs from inside, they slowly turned to me.

'Oh. Um, Phil, okai, so I guess we should tell you some stuff.' Pj whispered, leading us back to the apartment. When we'd sat down, Pj said, 'He's... what was it, Chris?'

'Philophobic.'

'Oh come on guys, that's mean!' I sighed. They were toying with me. Philophobic? What was that, afraid of people called Phil?! I huffed.

To my surprise they frowned. 'Phil, it's the fear of loving someone.'

'Oh,' I blushed at my stupidity, 'I thought you were pretending... pretending he was afraid of 'Phil's or something.'

Pj laughed sadly, 'No, but it does sound like it.'

Suddenly, it all clicked into place. 'P-Pj, does that include... friendship?'

He nodded, and my head fell into my hands. 'I-I scared him! Oh my God, I'm such an idiot. What have I done!? I've hurt him! Ohmygodohmygod-'

'Phil, calm down,' Chris soothed.

'No, Chris! I don't deserve this... this kindness... I'm not good enough, I-'

 

'Atelophobia.'

 

'What?' I looked up.

Stood in the doorway, fiddling with his sweater's cuffs, was Dan.

'Atelophobia. Th-the fear of not being good enough. A-and, Chris, Pj, you left the door open.'

He twiddled his fringe in his fingers, stretching out the curls and letting them spring back.

'Oh. Is it serious?' I asked in a small voice.

He nodded. 'It's classified as... as a mental disorder. Not to scare you.'

'Right.' I looked down.

Turning to Chris and Pj, I suppressed a giggle; they had their mouths wide open, struggling to move at all. I expected them to burst out with 'DAN OH MY GOD' or something, but, to my surprise, only Pj spoke, and he very slowly said, 'It's good to see you.'

Dan looked down. 'Mm.'

'So, how are you these days?' Chris said carefully, in the same way he would touch something that could collapse at any moment. Maybe Dan would collapse at any minute, let the fear through, run away.

We had to be tactful.

'Alright.'

'That's good.' Pj's voice was extremely soft.

'Yeah... um, I'm gonna go now...' he began to shuffle out of the door, waiting for one of them to reply.

'Yeah, that's fine. Bye, Dan'

'Bye Pj, bye Chris... bye Phil,' and with that, he pulled the door shut behind him and we heard his apartment door open and close.

'So, Phil, will you help us?' Chris said excitedly.

'Um, with what?'

'Being his friend,' Pj smiled.

'Sure! Ah, but are you sure it's... it's a good idea?'

'If we're careful, we can do it,' Chris reassured me.

'Alright then, I'll help.'

'Okai. So, ever since we lost him, we researched philophobia. Don't make any advances to try to be his friend straight up. Let him do it. He's got to be comfortable with it,' Pj said.

I nodded slowly.

'And also, this is important Phil, don't EVER say 'see you soon', 'talk to you later' or anything that would imply he HAS to talk to you, okai? Because he'll feel pressured,' Chris added.

'Okai.'

'We should sleep, it's 11 o'clock. Talk about it in the morning,' Pj got up, and Chris and I followed, going to our bedrooms.


	3. Chapter 3

\--Dan's P.O.V--

Oh God, oh God, why did I do that? They must think I want to be their... friend.

 _Friend_.

I felt the familiar tendrils of fear wrap their slender selves around my thoughts, tighter and tighter, slowly suffocating them, only showing mercy for the thoughts of pain and terror.

More and more...

Pain.

Terror.

 _Phobia_.

Choked sobs forced themselves out of my closing throat, pushing out the air.

It was getting harder and harder to breathe, it felt like my lungs were tightening, filling with water bit by bit. Every breath I tried to take got no further than my mouth, my chest locked in place, compressing my lungs.

I grabbed my notepad off the table, but it slipped out of my fingers as they shook. I scrambled for it, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth, moisture a long gone luxury. 

My head began to spin, and I stopped snatching for the notepad. I tried desperately to slow my breathing, but nothing was working.

I began to feel more and more faint. I tried to scream, but all that came out was a squeak.

I gagged, dizziness and nausea infiltrating my head.

Beads of sweat rolled down my forehead and onto my face, mixing with the tears.

Suddenly, I couldn't feel my arms. They just... they weren't there. I could see them, but they weren't under my control. They fell to my sides, limp and lifeless.

Then went my legs, into the same void of empty disembodiment. 

I felt cold and alone.

And, for the first time in two years, I wanted someone to help me.

'Help...' I choked out, trying to shout, but failing in miserable defeat, 'help me, please.'

My head was swimming, the world spinning like I was on a fairground ride...

'Chris... Pj...' a sudden faintness overwhelmed me, 'Ph-Phil...'

And then, from each side, like a curtain draped over my vision, everything went black.

\--Phil's P.O.V--

I flopped down on my bed. Oh Lord, what had I gotten myself into... I wouldn't be able to help! I was useless...

_'Atelophobia.'_

The memory of what Dan had said filtered back into my head.

_'...fear of not being good enough...'_

_'...a mental disorder...'_

I squirmed at the thought of me having a mental disorder... 

What if I did though?

I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind.

'Later, Phil, think about it another time,' I said quietly. I really didn't need this right now.

But... if I had this... I really wouldn't be good enough...

My thoughts were interrupted by... well, to be honest, I couldn't tell what the noise was. It sounded like... muffled... moans?

'Oh my God...' I whispered, 'curse these paper-thin walls.' I rolled over and tried to ignore what I'd heard.

I heard it again.

It wasn't moans.

It was someone crying.

'Dan...' I breathed. Was he okai?

Even if he wasn't, I wouldn't be able to help him. He wouldn't let me. I'd probably scare him anyway.

Then, to my part surprise, part horror, I heard a very, _very_ quiet squeak, quickly followed by...

' _Help_.'

He sounded like he was choking, the voice was so small. I sat bolt upright, and then...

' _Help me, please..._ '

I leapt out of bed and threw on a shirt faster than I ever had before. I reached the front door, seeing Pj in the lounge.

'Pj! Pj! Come with me, please! I-I think he's having a panic attack... I used to have them, they're nasty! Pj please-' 

He dropped the glass of water he was holding and ran, not even looking at the mess of broken glass behind him.

Evidently, Chris had heard from his room, and rushed out, yelling, 'I'm coming too!'

We wrenched open the door, sprinting across the hall.

From inside, there was one last call for help, even quieter than the last, 'Chris... Pj... Phil...'

Desperate, I twisted the door handle...

'Thank God,' I whispered when the door swung open. We ran down the corridor.

Which door...

The one that looked like it was next to my room...

Which one?

'This one! If you could tell from your room, Phil, it's gotta be this one!' Pj said urgently. He pushed the door open, and inside I saw it.

Dan was lying on the ground, drenched in sweat. On his right, there was a tiny black notebook, open but face-down on the floor, like it had been thrown or dropped. An amber lamp lay in pieces on the floor and one of the sofa cushions had slipped off the sofa.

Yup, this was the result of a panic attack alright.

We sprang into action, Pj cradling Dan's head in his lap and Chris wiping the sweat and tears off his face with his sleeve. I ran for the kitchen, grabbing the hand-towel and soaking it under the tap. I wrung it out so it was damp and ran back, rolling it up and dabbing it on his face and chest to cool him down.

I knew how to deal with panic attacks. Lucky really, as Chris and Pj looked like they had no idea. I passed the towel to Chris, saying, 'Do what I was doing.' He followed suit, like I had done.

'And guys, please don't question what I'm doing,' I said as I undid Dan's belt, 'because you have to loosen all restrictive clothing like belts and shirt collars.' They nodded.

I began to turn him around so his legs rested on the sofa, above his head to restore full blood flow to the brain, watching closely as Chris continued to dab the cloth on Dan's face.

Suddenly, Dan coughed, shooting bolt upright.

Already prepared for him to do this, I gently pushed his shoulders back down.

He gulped lungfuls of air, his eyes wide with fear.

He kept this up for almost a minute, but at least he was conscious.

When his breathing had slowed down, he sat up slowly, and I let him, removing my hands from his shoulders. 

He steadied himself, looking around at the sofa cushion and the smashed lamp.

'Aww, that was my favourite lamp,' he said quietly, sticking out his bottom lip. Pj and Chris smiled fondly at him as he crossed his legs. 'W-wait... you... you guys actually came...' he whispered.

We nodded, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

'Thanks.'

'That's alright. So, you're okai now?' Pj asked gently. He nodded.

'That's good. We'll go now, okai?' I said.

'Okai.'

'Okai, bye Dan,' we got up.

'Bye. See you soon?'

We smiled. 'Yeah.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n so yeah, I did warn you there'd be stuff like this in here! And there will be more, so if you don't wanna read this sort of thing, I'm sorry but this isn't the story for you. Okai, but to the people still here, thanks for reading! <3 ~ Author-chan


	4. Chapter 4

\--The next day, Dan's P.O.V--

I stepped out of the shower, quickly wrapping a towel around myself. I walked into my bedroom and began drying my hair with the hairdryer, picking up my phone with my freehand.

I checked twitter, seeing I had a new follower. I instantly closed the app, avoiding it just for today, I told myself yet again, going onto iTunes. I plugged in my earbuds and put one in my ear. I pressed 'play all songs' and Death Valley by Fall Out Boy came on.

Once my hair was dry, I put in my other earbud and got dressed. 

 

Pulling on a coat, I headed for the door, stepping out into the hallway. I felt confident today, for no particular reason. I just felt like, maybe, I could talk to people.

 

When I had found out Chris and Pj were living opposite me, I felt this pang of something I hadn't felt for years. I felt a pang of regret for leaving them.

And honestly, it scared me. They had been my best friends for years and I had just left them. For the first time in two years, I regretted leaving them. There were alarms going off in my head, telling me, 'No! Don't be tempted. You know what happened to Mum!' and 'It's a mistake, don't let them back in your life!'

But, I wanted to. I really, _really_ wanted to.

But I was too scared.

 

I shut the door of the apartment block behind me, breathing out and seeing the white tendrils of my breath coil around me. I looked up, seeing other people, each with their own little misty krakens surrounding them. I watched the way they drifted around me as I walked, dissipating slowly until I exhaled again. Pale fog tinted the horizon and my legs moved on autopilot, leading me around the corner, and my hands raised themselves as I reached Starbucks' door. I shuffled awkwardly to the counter. 

I kept my head down, handing over the money and saying to the cashier in a small voice, 'u-um, a coffee with c-caramel syrup please.'

I looked warily through my fringe at her, and she smiled. 'Your drink'll be ready soon, just wait 'round there,' she said gently. 

I thanked her and waited for my drink in the corner.

When the barista called out 'caramel syrup coffee!' I walked up and took it, doing my best to smile at her. I sat down at a table and sipped cautiously, attempting to not look around at all the people near me. Despite my best efforts, one person caught my eye: an old man with a balding head and glasses pushed down to the end of his stubby nose. He wasn't the type you would normally find in a Starbucks, and I guess that's what made me look at him. Or maybe it was the fact that he had piles Starbucks freebies out on the table, and he seemed to be arranging them into size order. Or perhaps it was the Labrador guide dog sat beside him; he must have been arranging them just by feeling them. But why the glasses?

I pulled out my notepad and flicked past countless short stories I'd written here, all of them about what I imagine the people who've been in this cafe's lives to have been like. Finding a fresh page, I began to theorize about this old man's life.

 

I'd written almost three pages, my scrawny handwriting covering the crisp pages, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Without thinking, I looked up, and stood before me was a reasonably tall, cheery-looking woman. She smiled and sat across from me, resting her head on her hands.

'Hello,' she said shortly.

'H-hi,' I muttered, shrinking into the collar of my jacket. 

'I'm kind of just bored so I reckoned I'd come sit with someone who was alone,' she giggled airily, in a happy-go-lucky kind of way, 'You looked alone too.'

'I... I guess I was,' I carefully shut my notebook, slipping it into my pocket. I could feel beads of cold sweat forming on my forehead and arms, but I wiped them away. 

 _Remember, Dan, you're being confident today_ , I told myself over and over in my head, my breathing getting huskier and laboured. But I held myself together and nodded along as the woman talked.

'So, yeah, I'm Louise! What's your name?' She said, and I nearly choked on my coffee. Louise?

Louise?!

_LOUISE?!_

'I-' I was interrupted by my own coughing, 'I'm Dan.'

'Wait! Dan?! No way! You have the same name as one of the guys who lived down my street when I was younger! But he looked quite different to you. You see, he wore really bright colours and _tons_ of merchandise. Seriously, he had _so_ much!' She babbled.

You see, Louise had been one of my friends when I lived with my family. It had been Chris, Pj and me, and then Louise had become our friend after we'd already been friends for a couple of years.

I didn't say I knew her, though, and just let her talk, feeling my throat close up slowly. 

'And he was really cool, you know? But, not like that, I just loved him as a best, _best_ friend. I mean, stuff happened, and he moved away,' her tone darkened, 'like, some really bad stuff.' She grimaced as she said this, and I watched as I knew the memories of our little group of friends flickered before her eyes, her cerulean irises glossy with tears.

Because she was there. 

She was with me when I found her. When I found my Mum dead.

In fact, I didn't find her.

 _We_ found her.

 I felt tears prick my eyes, and I grabbed my coffee and ran.

I ran.

I just ran and ran, endlessly. My drink slipped out of my hand, the cup opening on impact with the floor and steam flowed into the mix of morning mist and cigarette smoke that permanently hung over London. But I didn't care.

I didn't care if Louise was yelling after me, for me to come back, and that she was sorry if she'd scared me.

I didn't care if I looked crazy, running out of Starbucks into the freezing air outside, tears streaming down my face.

I didn't care if I was even running home, I was just too caught up in my thoughts to even process where I was going.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n OOOOooooOoOOoooOoOOOoooohhh! What's going on? (I'm so weird omfg help XD) But I hope you enjoyed this chapter, whoever's reading! Yeah, you! xx Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a lovely day. Baiiiiii! xox ~ Author-chan


	5. Chapter 5

\--Phil's P.O.V--

I took a deep breath as I stepped outside, slipping my hands into my pockets. The air was crisp and cold, filling my lungs with every breath. Every step I took I felt lighter, as if the morning air was giving lifting me up, giving me energy. I smiled slightly, walking a little faster. 

The ground was icy and it was difficult to keep proper balance, my feet sliding every other step. Tesco's was a twenty minute walk from here, Pj had told me. I looked over at him and Chris, who were walking beside me, their fingers interlocked. 

'I might as well be a professional third wheeler,' I laughed, and a haze of mist left my mouth. 

Chris and Pj giggled, only tightening their hold on each other. They weren't strictly 'dating', but they definitely weren't _just friends_ , anyone could see that. 

 

After another 15 minutes of walking and quiet chatter, we turned another corner and Tesco's was within view. We just had to cross another few roads and we'd be outside it.

We stepped cautiously over the first, stopping at the island in the middle and pressing the crossing button. Traffic flew past at speeds I was very sure was over the 40 mph speed limit.

A very familiar lock of brown hair caught my eye across the road, and I nudged Chris, motioning towards it.

Dan was there, huddled into his hoodie. His face was wet and his hair was sweaty; he'd either been to the gym or something had happened.

 

And then everything went into slow motion.

 

Traffic still raging at ridiculous speeds, the traffic lights still green, a tiny child in a green coat slipped out of his mother's grip. His legs seemed to work faster than the woman could catch up with and before long, the little boy was stood in the middle of the road.

To my horror, a van much to big for the driver to see him was gaining ground towards the child.

And I couldn't do anything.

I was too far away.

 

But in that moment, there was a blur of black. 

Someone had run into the road.

The mother was stood, mouth open wide, not knowing what to do, terror etched into her deep-set eyes.

Suddenly, I heard someone shout 'Phil!' and I jumped, seeing no one around me who would've said it.

'PHIL!' It was the man in the road... How'd he know my... 

_Dan?!_

For less than a second, our eyes met, before he pushed the boy towards me at full force. The child's feet left the ground and, aided by adrenaline, I caught him in one sweep of my arms, holding him close to my chest. 

'Dan! Get out of the road!' I screamed, but the van kept coming, and even though Dan was running, it didn't look like he was fast enough. 'DAN! PLEASE, DAN, RUN!' I felt tears in the corners of my eyes, some trickling down my face.

The van driver had seen none of this, sat in his car with his head bowed towards what looked like a phone. I practically threw the boy into Pj's arms, and, without thinking twice, sprinted in front of the van, grabbing Dan in my arms.

Dan was smaller than me, and it really helped as I scooped him up and ran across the road in a dead straight line, my eyes squeezed shut, praying everything would be okai...

Please, please, be okai... _Please..._

I felt the tarmac under my feet change slightly, and I let one eye open slightly. 

I'd made it to the other side, and I was barely able to turn around slightly before I dropped to my knees, tears streaming down my face simply from the joy of getting to the pavement. I released my grip on Dan, and he slid out of my grip and sat beside me. His breath was like mine, laboured and heavy.

'OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH!' The mother of the little boy screeched, throwing her arms around us. 

The traffic had stopped altogether, even the van. People were shouting and swearing at the man in there, someone even ripped his phone out of his hand and threw it.

Chris and Pj ran across the road, carefully handing the boy to his mother, who instantly wrapped him in a suffocating hug.

 

Suddenly, Dan burst into tears. Before anyone could react, he had got to his feet and he dashed into the crown, back in the direction of the apartment.

...What?

'Well. That happened,' I whispered, my eyes wide with disbelief. 

'Yeah...' Pj breathed.

'I... I kinda want to go home now,' I muttered, feeling everyone's eyes on me, heat crawling up the back of my neck.

'Okai,' was all Pj said before grabbing mine and Chris's arms and starting to walk back the way we came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n okai okai, I know, dramatic. But I wanted a way for Phil to realise that Dan is actually a nice person, he's just scared. Because at the moment, however lovely and non-judgmental Phil is, Dan really didn't seem very nice. So yeah, okai, see you later (hopefully!) Ciao! ~ Author-chan


	6. Chapter 6

I shoved my hands into my pockets, sliding further into my sofa crease. Oh my God was I shattered, both mentally an physically. 

I just saved a kid's life, and yet, I didn't feel good about myself at all. I just felt... overwhelmed.

Something about the way Phil had looked at me after I did that, the fear in his eyes, fear that _I_ would get hurt... it made me feel fuzzy. Then, the moment when I'd been sat in his lap, staring into his eyes, after he saved my ass from the van. His eyes had been so full of relief, and his pupils were so dilated almost all of his lapis-blue irises were black. The way his arms had held me as if I weighed no more than a young child, my head buried in his chest, silently praying that he would make it to the other side.

Wait, why _did_ I want him to get to the other side?

It must have been I wanted to survive, and the only way I would was if my rescuer were to survive too.

Or... was there more to this?

Did I want _him_ to survive?

 

Did he mean something to me?

 

Oh. 

Oh my god.

Without any warning, my lungs tightened, forcing out a heavy breath that I was unable to recover.

My brain slipped into a dark reality, my thoughts tripping, falling, into a black abyss, crawling back up as one horrible, sickening fear, pulling at my head, clawing at my throat.

_Phobia._

 

Suddenly, after what felt like hours of struggle, I felt a foot hole on the sides of the chasm I was plunging into; a tiny imperfection in the smooth matter of the walls I slipped down, one last hope.

I had remembered something I read online.

_...one simple well-known CBT technique is simply to say "Stop!" aloud when negative thoughts emerge..._

Then, with a final push of determination, the dying star in my mind giving its very last 'all', I opened my mouth, drew in as much air as I could, and screamed,

_'STOP!'_

 

The tears stopped, my lungs unlocked and my heart slowed.

Everything was calm.

'It worked,' I whispered to myself, hugging my knees to my chest. I shuffled to the other end of the sofa, grabbing the marshmallow shaped stress ball off the table. I crushed it over and over in my hands, it making little _poof_ sounds as the air rushed out of it.

 

I _cared_ about what he thought of me.

 

That's all I knew, as I sat there, furiously squeezing a stress ball between my hands.

 

Maybe I even cared about _him_...

 

For some reason, no more fear emerged at this. In fact, a small feeling of triumph gathered in my heart, as if it were celebrating: it had finally won.

Well, maybe not _won_ yet, but it was definitely getting there. 

Something inside of me felt euphoric, for what seemed like no reason. I lay back without thinking, smiling slightly at the memory of his three-colour eyes, blue, green and yellow all at the same time...

I jumped up, tears welling in my eyes.

'Stop...' I mumbled, pulling at my hair.

I ran into my room, practically ripping off my clothes and throwing pajamas. 

I was about to slip into bed, when I had a thought.

The drawer.

In my drawer, I had pills that would help, pills I'd been prescribed to help with my... with the fear. I hadn't ever taken them, and I'd never planned to. I'd only gone to the doctor because I'd sprained my wrist. He'd noticed my skittish behaviour and had referred me to a therapist, who'd given me the pills.

It was some sort of benzodiazepine, or something, and was a common anxiety medicine. She'd said they would numb my fear, but I should only take them once a day, and, consecutively, only for two months at most before taking a month-long break.

Shaking, I pulled the drawer open, pulling out the bottle and tipping one of the pills into my hand. I put it on my bedside table, ready for tomorrow morning.

For the first time in two long, lonely years, I wanted to get better.

I wanted to _love_ again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n WOOO DAN YEAH GO YOU TRYNA GET BETTER!! Yeah I know it hella sounds like he's gonna kill himself when it first says about the pills, but DON'T WORRY THAT WON'T HAPPEN. xox Until next time, babye! <3 ~ Author-chan


	7. Chapter 7

\--Phil's P.O.V, next morning--

I got up slowly, pushing my tousled fringe out of my eyes. I quickly went to the bathroom and showered, coming back to my room and getting dressed.

I slipped out into the hallway and slipped on some shoes. I grabbed a sticky note and scribbled down on it ' _Just going out for some groceries, be back soon - Phil._ '

We basically had an empty fridge, and, considering we hadn't gotten any yesterday, really needed some food here.

 

After trudging down what felt like hundreds of steps, I reached the door. I stepped outside, taking a long breath of crisp winter air. 

I strolled down the street with newfound confidence. Today would be a good day, I could just tell. 

 

Finally getting to Tesco's, I dodged a couple of people in the aisles before grabbing everything I thought we needed. After paying, I walked back out, and subconsciously decided to take a detour through Hyde Park; I hadn't been there yet and it seemed nice, so why not?

As I made my way towards home, I looked into the sky, watching its white expanse between the branches of the trees.

I let my head fall back to looking ahead before I ran into a lamp post or something, and spotted a bench. My legs ushered me towards it, I had walked quite a way by my standards. 

I popped down next to the other person sat there and pulled out one of the four sandwiches I'd bought: one for me, Chris and Pj, then one spare, for, err, I don't know. But they were two for one, so I only paid the price of two!

The guy next to me looked up, and my soul did a little back-flip: it was Dan.

Why'd I have such a weird reaction?

He smiled nervously and I smiled back encouragingly. 

'H-hi Phil,' he mumbled.

'Hello!' I chimed, taking a huge bite of my sandwich. He giggled and I looked up in confusion.

'What?' I said, the word muffled the food in my mouth.

'Nothing, you're just really cute.'

Before I could stop myself, I smiled widely at what he'd said.

He, however, jolted in surprise, seemingly at his own words.

'O-oh my God,' he squealed.

I furrowed my eyebrows.

'They work!'

'Umm...' I was extremely confused now.

'I took some pills and I'm not too scared Phil! Oh my God!' He clapped his hands together excitedly.

'That's awesome!' I smiled. 

'I know, right?!' He laughed, 'Wait... How do you know about the phobia and stuff...' And with those words, his door of insecurities slammed in my face, shutting me off from him, the real him I'd seen only moments before.

'I- He- They- Um- Chris and Pj told me, is that okai? I mean, i-if it's not I'll tell them and-'

'No, it's okai.' He smiled weakly and crossed his legs on the bench. 

Suddenly, his stomach rumbled and he blushed furiously. 'S-sorry! I- I just- I-'

'Hey, no need to apologise,' I smiled. 'Here, have this,' I rummaged in my bags, finding one of the sandwiches. 

'Thanks, Phil,' he smiled, opening it and taking a bite.

Right then, my phone buzzed. I slipped it out of my pocket and checking it.

Pj: _Hey Phil! When are you getting back? We want to watch another episode of Sherlock but won't do it without you_     _11:32_

Phil: _Just coming back, see yah :3 11:33_

'I've gotta go, bye Dan,' I smiled.

'See you around,' he grinned back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n I really love that Dan's coming out of his shell, but I don't want it to happen too fast. I have plans though, so that's goooood. Okai, see you soon! ~ Author-chan


	8. Chapter 8

\--Two weeks later, Dan's P.O.V--

Confidence lingering behind every move I made, I slipped into Starbucks and walked up to the counter. 

I may have still been anxious, but I now had enough confidence that I could talk to a barista without wanting to cry. These pills were really working, and it was great.

'Hello, what can I get you?' The man working there asked.

'U-um, I- I'll have a- a-'

'Spit it out already!' He hissed, aggressively ripping a cup off the stack and uncapping a marker.

Before I could reply, someone behind me said, 'Hey, no need to get aggressive on the poor guy, you don't know what he's going through.' I turned around and it turned out to be an old looking man with greying hair and a professional-looking suit.

'He's being too slow, I'm allowed to tell people to...' the barista trailed off, seeing that the man was glaring at him. 'What would you like?'

I repressed an amused smirk. 'A c-caramel frappuccino please.'

'Coming _right up_ ,' he said through gritted teeth, venom practically dripping from every word.

He'd probably just had a bad morning, so I thanked him when he gave me my drink and sat down without another word.

I sipped on it absent-mindedly, eyes transfixed on the drizzle running down the window, each tiny, silver droplet that fell on the widow eventually joining the small puddle forming at the bottom. I was shaken out of my thoughts by a voice coming from across the table.

'Hello, are you okai?'

I turned my head, seeing the man from a minute ago. 'Y-yes, why w-wouldn't I be?'

'Ah, okai, it's just I know when people are distressed or anxious, it's part of my job,' he laughed slightly.

'Oh? Wh-what do you work as?'

'I'm a therapist, specialising in anxiety disorders. I just noticed you're a bit jittery, and have a stutter. If you want to, you can come see me,' he said, slipping me a business card and getting up to leave.

'Th-thank you,' I murmured, putting the card in my pocket. I finished the last of my drink and tossed it in the bin as I left.

\--Phil's P.O.V--

I was out on a walk when it started raining, a constant, fine drizzle that soaked my hair and jumper. I ran into the first shop I saw that sold umbrellas and picked one up. I payed for it and stood at the door, trying to put it up. 

I struggled for almost five minutes when I heard, 'Hey Phil, having trouble there?' 

I looked up and saw my favourite pair of caramel-coloured eyes. 'Hi, Dan,' I smiled.

'Here, let me do it,' he gently took the umbrella.

In less than five seconds, he'd pushed it up and handed it back to me.

'How- What- How did you-' I stammered, aghast at how he just _did_ it.

He laughed lightly, and the sound warmed my heart. 'You hadn't undone this clip,' he said, showing something he'd popped upwards to open it.

'Oh,' I muttered, red creeping up the back of my neck, creeping round to my cheeks, 'thanks.'

'No problem, you spork,' he said, a hint of endearment lingering in his voice.

He started walking away, shaking his head, a small smile playing at his lips.

'Bye, Dan.'

'Bye, spork.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n Do you like it, because I sure as hell do. For once I'm proud of my work!!! (〃^∇^)ﾉ Luv you, thank you for reading **hugs** ~Author-chan


	9. Chapter 9

\--Dan's P.O.V--

My hands shaking, I folded, unfolded and re-folded the small square of card in my grip. 

_Dr. Greene_

_36 Guild Street, London, NW4 9HT_

_Call me for a helping hand on the step to recovery. Change your life for the better._

_070 8050 8208_

I took one last wavering breath, letting my eyes drift up to the building in front of me, taking it all in. It was tall and grey, but not foreboding or intimidating. It felt almost... hospital-like, but in the best way possible. Maybe it was just the pills killing my anxiety, but I wasn't at all apprehensive.

I pressed the doorbell, shifting awkwardly on my feet. After a moment, a middle-aged woman in a peach-coloured dress appeared at the door, smiling slightly when she saw me. 

'Hello, how may I help you?' she asked gently, taking her hand off her hip, where it had previously been placed.

'I- I- um, D-Dr. Greene said-d I should -err- he gave me a... a...'

'Here for Dr. Greene, sweetheart?' she stepped back, indicating for me to come inside. I gladly slipped into the warmth of the room, nodding. 'Just up here. What's your name, sugar? I'll need you to sign for your appointment you booked.'

I stiffened. 'I- I- There was no- I didn't know I had-d to-' The woman just laughed. 

'Don't worry, he does this all the time, giving random people business cards, telling them to stop by. I'm Karen, by the way, his wife. I'll just go check, say a young lad with brown curls is here to see him, that alright?' I nodded again, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders. 

'Th-thank you.'

She flitted up the stairs, calling out when she got to the top, 'Honey? Lad with brown curls is here, says you told him to stop by?' 

A muffled voice came from behind the door she was calling through. 'Okai, thank you Love, be right down.'

Karen trod carefully back down the steps, smiling warmly before walking into another room. Soon enough, Dr. Greene was stood before me.

'Hello, so, what was your name again?' He asked politely.

'D-Dan.'

'Jim,' he extended his hand, taking mine and shaking them. 

'So how have you been recently?' He began leading me back upstairs, into a professional looking room with two chairs in front of a desk, and one behind it. We sat down, and began talking.

\--Phil's P.O.V--

I focused my attention on the book in front of me, lost in the story, when someone slumped next to me. The way they sat down implied they were having a bad day.

I looked up, seeing a worn out looking woman hunched over her phone. Her long blond hair fell over her face, but I swore I knew her from somewhere.

Oh! Superdrug, down the road! **(A/n Superdrug is a British health and beauty store)**

She worked there, right? I looked at the uniform she was wearing, and yeah, she definitely did.

'Hey, aren't you the guy that came in last week asking for cinnamon shampoo or something?' I jumped, barely having noticed that she'd been looking at me.

'Oh, err, yeah, hi again,' I mumbled awkwardly.

'We still don't have any cinnamon stuff, but we've got chamomile, or chocolate pudding, if you're feeling adventurous. Or weird. Smelt it, wouldn't go for it personally.'

I grinned. 'Chocolate pudding shampoo? Sounds exciting! Sign me up!'

'Woah, really? Well, I mean, if you're interested in buying an entire shop's stock of it, feel free, we've got to get rid of it somehow. The people that buy the stock were very wrong when they thought it would sell.'

Laughing, I looked up, and saw on the screen it was my stop in a minute. 'I've gotta go in a second, err...' I tried desperately to remember the name on her nametag. A moment later, she smiled and flashed the pin in my direction, '...Louise! Totally remembered that. I bet you don't remember my name, though!'

'Actually, I do. Phil, wasn't it?' She smirked.

'Damn. I should really stop telling my name to staff in shops, it comes back to bite me when they coincidentally sit next to me on the underground.'

We giggled again, and I quickly said, 'see you around!' before getting up and stepping off the now stationary train.

\--The next day, Dan's P.O.V--

I stood up, I hadn't eaten yet today. I rested my laptop on the coffee table, and took the now empty mug into the kitchen.

After making myself some bacon and eggs and eating them quickly, I put my plate in the sink and soon resumed browsing Tumblr on the sofa.

A couple of hours later, I came across a blog that looked familiar. I clicked on it, and immediately I recognised everything about it. The crazy drawings, the animations, the weird there's-no-way-this-guy-isn't-stoned midnight posts that made no sense.

This.

This is the blog of PJ Liguori.

A second later, I opened up a new tab, went onto my own profile, and skimmed over my username, profile picture, banner and recent posts, making sure there was nothing in any of those that gave away who I am **(A/n Please say I'm not the only one who** **does** **this)**. When I'd done that, and changed a couple of things, I saved the updates and closed the tab, going back into PJ's profile. Now, I could like or comment on anything, and just seem like a casual Tumblr-er interested in photography, art, animation and shit-posts.

\--PJ's P.O.V, 3 hours later--

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the many, many notifications I'd got whole my phone was off.

_Procrastinationpro liked your photo_  
_Procrastinationpro commented:_ cool art  
_Procrastinationpro liked your post_  
_Procrastinationpro started following you_  
_Procrastinationpro liked your photo_  
_Procrastinationpro liked your video_  
_Procrastinationpro liked your post_  
_Procrastinationpro liked your post_  
_... Click to expand._

Jesus Christ, what?

'Hey, someone's popular,' Chris teased over my shoulder.

'Yeah, with one person.'

'Looks like your art is 'cool'. Yeah look, it says 'cool art',' he tapped the screen, looking at more notifications, 'and look, 'what camera do you use?' Well aren't you just the photography master?'

I laughed lightly. 'I bet it's just some kid trying to look sophisticated or relateable on his Tumblr, but still, a Canon PowerShot.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n IM SO SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE THIS. DONT HATE ME. And if you're reading this on Wattpad, you're lucky, this comes out on here first, if you're reading it on AO3 it'll have been even later for you, I'm sorry! My Social stuff if you want to follow me at all:  
> Wattpad: mimi_x_ or my_smut_account (yeah okai stop judging me)  
> Tumblr: xxmimiblr  
> AO3: fandomworshipper  
> Okai, thanks for reading, and I'll see you soon! X (I hope) ~Author-Chan


	10. Chapter 10

\--Dan's P.O.V.--

'Crap. Crappy crap cold crapsickles.'

I threw open yet another draw; nothing. Where the hell were they?! How had I already run out?

'Oh God,' I buried my hands in my hair, ripping tangles in my fingers.Tears formed in the corners of my eyes. I clenched my fists in the curls, feeling every pin-prick as little strands were pulled out of my head.

Why, of all days, did I have to run out of anxiety medication today? The one day for two weeks where I actually _had_ to go outside.

Letting my hands drop, I succumbed. Pulling on my shoes, I opened the front door, the cold already creeping into my very soul.

\--Phil's P.O.V., two hours later--

'Got milk, got eggs, got- dang it! Forgot to get bread.'

I pursed my lips, eyebrows furrowing. Sighing, I continued home, too lazy to go back and get bread as it was already past 8 o'clock and I'd eaten out anyway. As I walked, I kicked a stone along he pavement, eventually deciding to pull out my phone.

Suddenly, half way through typing my passcode, my chest collided with something solid but warm. Stumbling back, I looked up, and saw a pair of familiar brown eyes.

'Dan! Hi!'

He'd been a better recently, not entirely social, but he'd spoken to us multiple times. And, most notably, a week ago I'd seen something incredible, something blindingly wonderful, something I could never forget: his smile. How his whole face beamed, his eyes twinkled, how dimples had carved themselves into his cheeks. It had only been a few seconds, but a few seconds was enough for me to realise I wanted to make his smile as much as possible.

'H-hi.'

Something was different.

'How are you?'

He glanced around, avoiding my question, 'I- I have to go. B- bye.'

He then slipped past, and practically sprinted down the street away from me.

What the...

'Dan!' It was no use. He was too far away to hear me now, not that he'd listen, going by what had just happened.

\--Dan's P.O.V.--

'Come on, pull yourself together,' I whispered to myself, sweat already beading on my face as I slipped into the narrow space between two shops.

My breathing was heavy and laboured, and everything felt hot. I slid down the wall, sitting with my knees huddled into my chest. The space was so small my toes were touching the opposite side, and I suddenly felt a wave of claustrophobia.

I hadn't felt like this, this badly, for a long time. It was horrible; my mouth was dry, I was losing feeling in my arms, and my legs were long gone. Shaking, with my last strength, I pulled out my phone, only having the energy to press the on button.

_8:46pm_

I was so, _so_ screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. I know. Very, very late. Like, a year late. And I re-read my authors notes from then and ewww cringe. But anyway, read the thing if you want, hope you enjoy it :) I'll update this soon (I actually will I promise. if I don't, feel free to murder me in my sleep.)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-upload of one of my Wattpad works n stuff  
> My Social stuff if you want to follow me at all:  
> Wattpad: fizzgigtruffle  
> Instagram: yoiterini or crafting.phans  
> Tumblr: fizzgigtruffle  
> AO3: fandomworshipper


End file.
